For starters, I just want to say if you happen to find yourself on this page– I am sorry, seeing that it is some kind of pain that probably brought you here. I know what it feels like to have pain on the inside but look fine on the outside and I’ve struggled with it since 2013. I would say even though my medical diagnosis hasn’t gone away, I am not where I was in the years of 2013 through 2017. I currently deal with Lupus, hypothyroidism, and anemia. I am learning that pain doesn’t have to steal my joy. I look forward to swapping stories with you, dear friend.
“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful.”
Lupus SLE sprung up on me in September of 2013, at age 23. It was only a month later after I had moved off to Colorado for school and work that the pain had started. I was working with special needs children and started my masters program on campus in Colorado Springs in August. One night my shoulder started burning and when I woke up I was limping and barely able to brush my hair or move my fingers.
I was misdiagnosed at first with RA. My RF (rheumatoid factor) was 640 and to be normal it will usually be below 10. The pain just started spreading slowly to different areas until I was diagnosed in April of 2014 with systemic lupus erythematosus.
In the very beginning of my SLE diagnosis, I just wanted to stay in bed. One day, I’d feel like super-woman at work with the kids, but the very next I could barely walk or push them on a swing. It’s all the things I never had to think twice about doing. The pain could last all day be it in my hands, wrists, feet, shoulders, elbows, knees, fingers or my back. I got bouts of sharp pain in random places. All of a sudden just pouring a cup of coffee was aggravating. It was in those moments I realized, I was not a super-woman.
When Lupus started attacking my blood, my anemia became harsh for a period, and shorty after I found out my thyroid was’t producing the hormone it’s supposed to and thus, was the answer to my extreme mood swings at the time. It also affected my heart and chest.
Most times I’d pray, but sometimes I’d cry and sometimes it’d be a mixture of both. There was so much pain, but also much hope. At first I asked God why do I have this pain? Which slowly turned into Lord, what do you want me to do with this pain? How do I glorify you in this?
I felt warm when I felt His sweet answer. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). I have learned it’s possible to feel the pain of disease, yet still have your heart feel joy. How is this possible? This is where I can point to Jesus Christ. This is where I can glorify God. He is the joy in my heart keeping it safe from satans long-term diseases like depression, anger and bitterness.
“Jesus does not make light of pain. He relieved the suffering that comes from sickness (Matthew 4:23-24) and ached in the face of death” (John 11:32-36).
I want to encourage you that whatever pain you are going through, whether it be emotional or physical, or both, to pray. Pray right now. Sure, this is a “chronic long-term disease” that they say can’t be cured, but I serve a God who works on His own terms. I still believe this is only temporary pain, serving a long-term purpose.